I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
somewhere, in an alternate universe
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Golf would be better with landmines.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.