I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
You Might Also Like
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
🇺🇸🤭
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat