Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.