Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

What’s so funny?

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.