Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

bat life

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.