I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
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Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Finally!
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
