I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.