Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl