Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob