I have literally never stopped thinking about this
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Canada has crack?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode