I have literally never stopped thinking about this
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If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
kitchen magnet
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened