I have literally never stopped thinking about this
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Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
The French cow says MEUX…
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.