Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

eating my hot dog hamburger style

Please vote for people who are attractive

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”