a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
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Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Life is a suicide mission.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly