i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
watergate? u mean a dam??
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.