Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?