Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.