i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
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Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
At least my masseuse has my back.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!