Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

A friend helps you before you need it

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

Blew my mind.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.