Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

Knock Knock

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.