Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

This makes total sense…

absolutely not

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.