I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works