I have many caverns
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I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.