Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.