I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
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getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.