I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
You Might Also Like
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
me: my friends:
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family