I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
You Might Also Like
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Not even remotely sorry.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me