Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

This seems like peak sibling energy

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

me irl

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

💻🤡

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

this makes me so uncomfortable

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.