I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
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studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Beards are a privilege, not a right