Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

Thursday Thought.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW