Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink