I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
You Might Also Like
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.