I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
You Might Also Like
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.