Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.