I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
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OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.