I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
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5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.