Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try