I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
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I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock