I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Best table by far
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣