I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
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everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed