I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
You Might Also Like
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water