I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
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Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.