I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
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1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Doug is just Canadian for dog
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer