I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
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My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
this is the news I live for
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
The days of good grammer has went
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe