I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
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Uh oh 👀
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.