I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
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