i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Holy shit he’s back
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.