Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.