I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
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*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
You don’t even know
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.