Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?