Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?