Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

Roombas should bark

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.