I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.