i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
i will avenge u mr van gogh
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.