I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
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“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.