I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
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My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys