I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
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I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
SF is the wild wild west man
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”