I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
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internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
When does CPR become necrophilia?