I have never heard an armadillo before.
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems