I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good