I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Dolls on drugs
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I think we should hear other voices.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?