I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.