I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
You Might Also Like
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Things will get butter, keep churning
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?