I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
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“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
This will never not be funny to me.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth