Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Did…did a minotaur write this

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

Mornin

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

Never deleting this app.