I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
You Might Also Like
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My boss called in sick of me
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*