I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
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Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Sunday
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Britain be like
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
i baked you a cake
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?