I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
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“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.