I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
You Might Also Like
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
*aggressively waits in line*
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
