Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

Dishonest mechanic?

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

get you a girl who

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018