i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My inexpensive home security system…
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it