i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
This sounds bad:
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.