i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
good news everyone
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Sending in my taxes
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
This story is comedy gold 😂
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs