i have never needed anything in my life more than this

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Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]


[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody


I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “


I’ll agree to almost anything if you set a cupcake in front of me. I won’t be listening. Because…cupcake.


One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.


Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”


How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?


My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..


*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.