i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.